Back in the Saddle

It's been awhile. It's been a long while. There's been this nagging in the back of my mind to write - but ends up sqaushed beneath everything else. And forgotten. For months. Like a little pumpkin in my closet when I was 8. It ended up pretty stinky after a couple of months. Since the last time I posted, I have quit one medication that I felt did more harm than good - gained more weight, had less (!!!) energy, and all around felt icky. Well, after stopping that medication, and starting on a thyroid medication, I finally feel like I can get through a normal day. I was relying on caffeine to get me through the day - now I just drink it cause I like it!

I feel "settled" in at work - I finished up my correspondance classes, officially "graduated" from Union, marched at Commencement, applied for/and wrote the NLCEX (and passed) and have been practicing as a nurse since May. My life as a Registered Nurse is what I thought it would be. Somedays it takes quite a bit of self talk to "put my big girl panties on and deal with it". Emergency is not for everyone, but I enjoy it.

My husband is still in school, as he will be for the next 2.5 years. He's passing - I feed him, keep the house clean, and make sure he has clean underwear and he's pretty happy. Except when I forget to do laundry.... :) What I've been having a hard time with lately is keeping my thoughts in order. Sometimes I feel so discombobulated - like having a half finished thought, and never coming back to it. Or having a really hard time getting out what I want to say. Not that either of those things is completely new, but I feel like they have been worse lately. Like this whole blogging thing, I think the only reason I am typing tonight is I can't sleep and don't want to keep my hubbie up with constant tossing and turning. The warm milk trick? yeah, doesn't work on night nurses. We just drink it and keep on going.

Life goes on, guess we'll see how much does on till next time!

swift kick in the arse (what I need)

Ugh. So it's been a while since I've gotten the gumption to write - it's been awhile since I've had gumption to do anything! Depression is insidious - before you know it, you've completely caved and reverted back to what you were doing before you tried to change. So the last month has been. I just haven't had the desire or energy to write - barely can make myself work out everyday. As far as keeping the house clean - just ask  my husband, he'll tell you! Definitely not the way Mr Neat Freak kept his house while single! I cleaned up the bed room today - he walked in and said "Wow! I'm not used to this!" "What seeing the floor or the top of the bureau?" Hmmph.
I have felt pretty low consistently for the last month. It's hard to put a finger on it - I keep hoping the different meds I'm on will make a difference - but waiting for them to take care of everything would be like waiting to win the lottery - when you don't buy tickets. Ever. I get disheartened when my weight doesn't change even though my diet and exercise habits have, when I still have recluse like tendencies, and when I can't summon the energy to clean my house.
It's a viscious circle, one I'm working on breaking. I did buy a new pair of running shoes yesterday - my others were two years old. I'm commiting to running - one half mile at a time. Eventually those half miles will roll together. I also bought a few cute things at target to wear - summer dresses that make me feel pretty! and a new pair of jean shorts, mine were starting to show my undies (uh oh!). I went through clothes and packed all those up I can't wear - so seeing them everyday isn't a negative reminder. I have plans to purge my clothes when I get to a size I am happy with.
My mother recently got some health news that made me re-evaluate my own eating habits and lifestyle. I'm very glad she is making positive changes in her life. Sometimes news needs to come from someone besides your daughter (or any family member) before you'll commit to making changes. We are being each others support and sounding board for new ideas and current habits.

Catching Up

Once I've gotten behind in something I find it extremely hard to catch up with! Whether it's house cleaning, or keeping up with friends... It's better just to stay on top of things! I've been dealing with some serious motivation issues this week. It is just waay to easy to stay in my pj's and surf the net rather than being productive! And for that reason my kitchen is a mess, and there are bird feathers slowly creeping out all over the house, clean laundry is piled up waiting to be put away... ooh it just adds up!
I'm building a good friend base here, but it's hard to do so since a lot of people are just here to then leave as soon as they or their spouse are done with school. I've always been bad about making friends at work. I don't know what to say or do! I lived in such a bubble around my church life, I've never had a close friend (that  I hung out with) outside of work. Sure I've gotten along with colleagues fine - I've just never made that cross over before. But I'm thinking that's the group that I need to make friends out of - since my other friends are just going to up and leave here soon! Ugh!
That or I should just transport all my good friends here.... hmm...
Another thing has been bothering me lately. It's funny how seemingly small in and of themself problems can take over your life - especially when it affects your spouse as well when dealing with depression. Luckily things have been resolved (for the time being) concerning one problem, but I'm just waiting for the next one to crop up! Is that so bad of me?

February 11

Life sure is busy right now! I have family in town (they came in yesterday and today!) and am trying very  hard to stay positive and not get snippy with everyone around. It's very hard to do! But I take a breath and STOP for just a moment and then keep going. Work is crazy, but it reminds me to be thankful for my health and my supportive family. I so don't feel like reading devotionals, journaling, or blogging today. I was doing pretty good with working out - I will have missed Thursday and today, but will walk tomorrow morning, or hike in the afternoon. It's hard sometimes to exercise - but I'm getting to the point where I can workout for longer, and miss it when I don't do it. I think it's starting to grow on me - maybe!

Motivators

This year I am making it a year of me - I am focusing on my health (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual) so that I can be a better person, wife, and eventually, a healthy mother. It is extremely important to me that I am a well mother for my children - not just phycially, but emotionally too. I want to give my future offspring the best I can of myself - and my husband too! He deserves the best I can be, since he is so great to me.
SO I have taken control of my diet - allowing myself a cheat day once a week (usually sabbath,a nd even then its not very bad), started daily devotions, this blog, a new medication, new supplements, and started exercising. No I don't believe there is any secret fix all for depression, but I am trying to find the combination that works for me. Things that I can do to help myself. Now all of them have come fairly easy, except the exercising. I haven't committed to doing it daily - almost daily, but not daily, and not for as long as I prolly should. Up to this point I have been working out at least 30 min 3-4 times a week. Now thats not too shabby, but I want to lose weight. And weight I am not losing exercising that amount. Today I had a chance to talk to a friend and mentor, and she started running a year ago. Now she is running a lot - training for a full marathon! She is such an inspiration! She also reminded me that an hour of exercise a day every day of the week is what we SHOULD be getting. OK, I thought, so here is another goal. An hour of exercise everyday - and some sunshine everyday! So I will be starting to blog about that as well. Or, at least blog about me trying it! To start that goal, I am going to the gym with a friend in a few minutes. It's after 8 pm in the evening, but better late than never! I really want to make this year of my life count - I really want to make changes that will contribute to a healthy life down the road. I love my parents - but I don't want their health habits to follow me through my life. No diabetes for me! It runs strong on both sides of the family. My sisiter and I both know that it is very possible for us to make enough slip ups to land right in the middle of diabetes - health habits play just as an important part as genetics for most of us. I want to make my life my own, and to be happy and healthy for the rest of my life. I want to be healthier than I have ever been - and I'll admit skinnier too :-) who wouldn't want to be! when the smallest I've been is a size 8, I think I have room to lose a few sizes currently (pushing into a solid 10 currently - and not happy about it at all!).
When I met with my current psychiatrist for the first time, he asked me, "If I was a genie and could grant you a wish right now, what would it be?" "to lose 20 pounds" I responded. I didn't even hesitate. I also didn't even think about wishing away my depression - or anything else! I think about my weight, my size, that often! It's horrible but true! I get so down when I can't wear clothes I want - less than half my current wardrobe fits right now. and that's depressing. So between my clothes, my family history, my current state, and my future wants and desires - and children - those are my motivators.

LIttle Miracles

My current position on having children is - yes, I want, and yes I am more than willing to carry them, but I don't want to give birth to them.  I kinda just want to skip that part! Blech! What is a amazing tho is seeing ultrasounds of little babies cooking inside their mommas. Thinking of my sisters pregnancy and being able to see pictures of the little bean - head, body, little nubbins of arms and legs, and a heart pumping away when the whole kit-n-kaboodle was smaller than a strawberry. Amazing. Simply amazing.
Miracles are things working out when least expected, that home run at the bottom of the inning, the I-didn't-mess-anything-up-at-work-today feeling when clocking out and going home. It's the little things in life that make it better, make it special. Sure traveling overseas is nice, but it's coming home to a purring kitty that makes home special. Having a husband around to make me clean things up, knowing that he cares about me and our future together. Maybe some more little miracles are in our not-so-near future!
Little miracles are having enough energy to keep going through the day, being sleepy but realizing I don't HAVE to take a nap to make it to the end of my shift. Feeling better, that is a current "little miracle" for me. I feel better, and moreover, I feel. Often with depression it's hard to "feel" - with me, I just want to withdraw and not pay attention to anyone or anything. What I have a house that needs to be cleaned? A husband that could use a hot meal and a conversation? So? But when I am feeling better, I want to do these things - I CARE about them. I want to take care of myself - my body, my spirit, my mind. I care about setting goals and reaching them. Small interventions can have large outcomes once they are added together

February 3

I tied the toe tag on. I'd never done that before. If you have ever read "the Body Farm" or "Stiffs" it gives you an idea about the life after death of bodies and their uses/purposes for science. Symbolically, to me, tying on the toe tag is it. You're a goner, you've gone, vamoosed, expired, died, left your earthly shell, there is nothing left but body - no soul, no life, no breath. It's a humbling experience. I don't think I'll forget some of the people I have been there with when they have died. Working as an EMT, there are a few. I can understand why some woluldn't want to be a nurse, EMT, MD, whatever. Working that closely with people that you see them born into this world, you see them grow, and then - die. To me, that's whate being a nurse/EMT is about. You help people, you touch them when they are sick, lonely, hurt, dying, and dead. It's not always pleasant, it's possible to carry around their memory - the last gasps, blown pupils, and other foulness that sometimes accompanies the few moments before death. Or, you use it to do better for the next person, the next patient. Each experience is just that, and experience. Not something to carry around with you for life.
Some hospitals are overly religious - Catholic, Adventist, Baptist, or very non-religious. Whether the hospital allows it or not, I say a prayer for most patients, quietly, in thought. When working a  code, I'm praying the whole time! Not always a prayer that would bear repeating to my mother, but an expression of my emotions and thoughts to my heavenly Father.
Being in the health care system is my calling I believe. Helping, touching, allowing healing, these are the things I realize to be necessary to my practice. I have to let go of the emotions that come with it eventually. There are moments of tears and laughter, but those moments have to belong to themselves. I can't carry those tears around with me for the rest of my life. I realize why it saddens me - a life to early severed? a child left without a father? an elderly wife seperated from her lifetime partner? did I screw something up? should I have called earlier? am I using this time to express emotions connected to something else?
Whatever the reason, these emotions are expressed and moved past.
The next patient comes is...